Why we fake orgasms

The psychology, the pros and cons, and how to be honest about sex and what it means for your relationship

Faking orgasms is more common than most people realise. Many women, and some men too, admit to doing it at some point in their lives. It’s one of those topics that can bring a mix of shame, humour and confusion. But behind the act of pretending lies a complex mix of emotions, expectations and relationship dynamics.

This blog explores why people fake orgasms, what the pros and cons might be, how it can affect your emotional and sexual connection, and what to do if you want to stop (or continue) faking it.

Why do women fake orgasms?

There are many reasons why women might fake an orgasm, and most of them are understandable. Common motivations include:

• Wanting to protect their partner’s feelings. Many women worry that if they don’t climax, their partner will feel rejected or inadequate.
• Wanting the sex to end. Sometimes it’s easier to fake it than to explain you’re tired, distracted or simply not enjoying yourself.
• Avoiding awkwardness or disappointment. Faking can feel like a quick fix to keep things smooth in the moment.
• Feeling pressure to perform. Cultural messages about what “good sex” looks like can make women feel they should orgasm every time, even when that’s not realistic.
• Trying to maintain desire. Some women fake it to keep the spark alive, thinking it will keep their partner feeling desired.

While these reasons make sense emotionally, faking can have longer-term consequences for intimacy and trust.

The advantages of faking orgasms

It might feel strange to talk about the advantages of faking it, but in the short term there can be benefits:

• It can avoid conflict or awkward conversations in the moment.
• It can boost your partner’s confidence temporarily.
• It can help keep the mood positive if you don’t feel ready to discuss your sexual difficulties.

In some relationships, faking might even be used as a kind of kindness — an act of caretaking when a partner’s self-esteem is fragile. But even then, it’s important to look at the emotional cost over time.

The drawbacks of faking It

Faking an orgasm may protect your partner in the short term, but it often comes at a personal and relational cost.

• It creates distance. If your partner believes you’re satisfied when you’re not, they can’t really know you in that moment.
• It prevents real communication. Honest conversations about sex help deepen trust. Faking can block that.
• It reinforces a pattern. If your partner doesn’t know what works for you, the same unfulfilling patterns continue.
• It can leave you feeling unseen or resentful. Pretending satisfaction can make you feel disconnected from your body and your truth.

Sex is about connection, not performance. When one person is pretending, the emotional intimacy between you can subtly erode.

How common is it to fake orgasms?

It’s hard to know exactly how many people fake orgasms, as it’s not something everyone feels comfortable admitting. Surveys suggest it’s common: a 2022 European study found around 18 per cent of women were currently faking, and a U.S. survey reported that nearly 59 per cent of women had done so at some point. In the UK, a YouGov poll found that 58 per cent of women — and 21 per cent of men — said they had faked an orgasm. These figures vary across cultures and age groups, but together they show that faking it is far from rare.

Understanding it from a psychoanalytic perspective

From a psychoanalytic point of view, faking orgasms can be understood as a defence — a way of managing anxiety, guilt or vulnerability in intimate relationships. Sex can stir up deep unconscious feelings about dependency, approval and the wish to please or be loved.

Pretending to orgasm can sometimes protect a person from the discomfort of feeling exposed or “too seen”. It can also reflect early experiences of needing to meet others’ expectations in order to feel accepted. In this sense, faking can be a way of maintaining control and avoiding emotional risk.

Understanding this through a compassionate lens can help reduce shame. It invites curiosity about what’s being protected in the moment and how that might link to earlier emotional patterns. Therapy can offer a space to explore this safely, helping people move towards greater authenticity and ease in their sexual relationships.

Do men fake orgasms too?

Yes, men fake orgasms too, though it’s talked about far less. Research suggests some men fake it for similar reasons — to protect their partner’s feelings, to end sex they’re not enjoying, or to hide performance anxiety.

Because orgasm in men is often associated with ejaculation, it can seem impossible to fake, but it happens more often than people think, especially in situations involving condoms, alcohol, or when partners aren’t paying close attention.

Like women, men who fake orgasms often feel pressure to perform and may fear being judged.

How to stop faking orgasms (if you want to)

If you’ve been faking it and want to stop, it’s worth approaching the change with kindness towards yourself and your partner. Here are some steps that can help:

1. Start by being honest with yourself. Why have you been faking? What need is it meeting?
2. Talk to your partner outside the bedroom. Choose a calm moment to say that you’d like to work on more honest sexual communication together.
3. Shift the focus from orgasm to pleasure. Good sex isn’t just about reaching climax. Exploring touch, connection and what feels good for both of you can build more authentic intimacy.
4. Be patient. It takes time to unlearn old patterns and build trust in sexual honesty.
5. Consider therapy. Talking to a psychosexual therapist can help you understand and communicate your sexual needs in a safe, supportive space.

Remember, not faking doesn’t mean you have to climax every time — it just means being real about where you are in that moment.

What if you decide to keep faking it?

If you choose to continue faking, that’s okay too — it’s your body and your choice. Some people decide that pretending occasionally helps them manage certain situations or protect their partner.

If you do, it’s still worth asking yourself what purpose it serves and whether it fits with the kind of intimacy you want. As with most things in relationships, awareness and choice matter more than the act itself.

Final thoughts

Faking orgasms isn’t a moral issue — it’s a relational one. It reflects the pressures, emotions and unspoken dynamics between partners. Sometimes it’s about kindness, sometimes fear, and sometimes habit.

Whether you choose to stop or continue, the most important thing is understanding your reasons and making space for honest, caring communication about sex. Real connection grows from truth, not performance.