Couples in Crisis is a blog series exploring the real-life dilemmas that bring people into couples therapy. Based on clinical experience (with all client details changed for confidentiality), each post looks beneath the surface of common relationship struggles—like infidelity, fertility challenges, communication breakdowns, or monogamy—and offers a compassionate, therapeutic lens to help couples feel less alone. Whether you’re in crisis, at a crossroads, or simply curious about how others navigate love and intimacy, you’re warmly invited into the conversation.
Struggling with low libido in your relationship?
When Anna and Mark arrived in couples therapy, something important was being left unsaid.
“He just doesn’t seem to want me anymore,” Anna said quietly.
“It’s been months. Every time I try to be close, he pulls away.”
She wasn’t angry, she was hurt, confused, and deeply ashamed. Their sex life had disappeared, and with it, a sense of emotional connection. Mark, sitting beside her, avoided eye contact. After a long pause, he admitted:
“It’s not that I don’t love you. I just feel… flat. Like I have nothing left.”
This is a story many couples will recognise. Mismatched libido – when one partner wants sex more often than the other – can create a painful cycle of rejection, insecurity, and emotional distance. For Anna, sex had become a barometer of love and closeness. For Mark, sex had become overwhelming, one more demand on already depleted emotional reserves.
What looked like a sexless marriage was, underneath, a story of unspoken emotions, chronic stress, and fear of failure.
Why does low libido happen in long-term relationships?
From a psychological perspective, low sexual desire is rarely just about hormones or physical attraction. Libido is deeply relational—it reflects how emotionally connected, safe, and seen we feel.
In long-term relationships, desire is shaped by:
-
Stress, burnout, and life stage pressures
-
Emotional withdrawal or resentment
-
Internal beliefs about vulnerability, performance, or shame
-
Childhood experiences of intimacy and attachment
In Mark’s case, he had internalised the belief that he needed to be strong and self-sufficient. As work stress and anxiety built up, he shut down emotionally, and with it, physically. “I didn’t want to disappoint her,” he said in therapy. “So I avoided it altogether.”
This silence is common in sexless or low-sex relationships. One partner feels rejected and confused. The other feels overwhelmed or guilty. Both end up alone.
What does sex mean to you?
One of the most powerful parts of couples therapy is helping partners explore the emotional meaning of sex:
-
For some, sex is about closeness, comfort, or feeling chosen
-
For others, it may trigger performance anxiety, shame, or pressure
-
The absence of sex can signal relational detachment, not just disinterest
Anna’s longing wasn’t just for physical intimacy—it was for tenderness, validation, and a feeling of mattering. For Mark, sex had become a mirror of emotional depletion, not desire.
Rebuilding intimacy after sexual disconnection
Healing from mismatched desire takes time. It’s not about “fixing” libido but about building emotional safety and new relational habits.
Through therapy, Anna and Mark began to talk, really talk. About fears. Needs. Fantasies. Vulnerability. As trust returned, they didn’t jump back into sex. Instead, they reconnected emotionally, through small gestures, play, laughter, and shared understanding.
Desire began to return—not as a performance, but as a reflection of closeness.
How to navigate mismatched sexual desire in your own relationship
If this feels familiar, you’re not alone. Many couples go through phases of low libido, sexual mismatch, or feeling emotionally disconnected. These are some starting points:
💬 Start the conversation
Gently explore the topic of desire with your partner. Use “I” statements. Avoid blame. Share what sex means to you emotionally, not just physically.
❓ Ask: What’s sex about for us?
Is sex about reassurance, play, power, closeness, validation—or something else? Uncovering the meaning behind sex is often more helpful than focusing on frequency.
🧠 Consider the emotional context
Look at stress, parenting, conflict, or trauma. Emotional distance often precedes sexual distance.
🧑⚕️ Seek support
If talking feels too hard, a couple therapist or psychosexual therapist can help facilitate safe conversations and offer tools to move forward.
Is your relationship suffering from mismatched libido or emotional disconnection?
If you’re wondering:
-
“Why doesn’t my partner want sex anymore?”
-
“Is low libido a sign of a failing relationship?”
-
“How do we rebuild intimacy after months (or years) without sex?”
You are not alone and you’re not broken.
Mismatched sexual desire is one of the most common reasons couples seek therapy. With compassion, understanding, and the right support, it’s possible to reconnect, emotionally and sexually.
Need support for sexual issues in your relationship?
Explore couples therapy or psychosexual therapy with a qualified, relationally trained therapist. You don’t have to figure this out alone.
