We’re just good friends
Couples are having less sex than ever before, but there are always ways of reconnecting if you’re in the mood…
With so much emphasis on sex today, it’s easy to imagine everyone else is making love seven nights a week. But it is estimated that one in 20 marriages in Britain is sexless and half of all couples are not having as much sex as they would like. Going without sex does suit some people fine, but for others, regular loving sex is a big part of what they signed up for when things started to get serious.
Most relationships go through periods when sex goes on the back burner. It’s a rare couple who hasn’t gone through a fallow season in the bedroom. There are significant life events that are bound to interrupt a couple’s sex life, such as having a baby, illness – particularly mental health issues such as anxiety and depression, the loss of a loved one, job changes. In a lot of cases the break will be temporary, but sometimes sex just doesn’t resume.
For others, life can just get in the way, and we can find ourselves not as close to our partners as we used to be and so we just fall out of the habit. That can happen more often than you’d imagine. Think about it. We’re tired, we might have developed different bedtime routines. Or maybe it’s simply that there’s so much more we could be doing at 10pm than have sex. Netflix, Instagram or checking our emails… technology certainly doesn’t help the flagging libido.
And while there is obviously more to sex than its frequency, sex that happens rarely can start to feel awkward. All too easily you can fall into a vicious cycle where too little sex can lead to even less sex. Feelings of inadequacy quickly follow.
Couples don’t help themselves by avoiding the topic until it becomes critical, by which time all sorts of unhelpful feelings (resentment, shame, anger and hurt to mention a few more) have set in. And if the decision not to have sex isn’t mutual, if one partner has pulled up the sexual drawbridge and won’t talk about it, the confusion and sadness can be incredibly upsetting for the other partner. Sometimes the silence is even more devastating than missing the act itself.
Problems in the bedroom often reflect troubles in the relationship or in other areas, such as work or family. Whatever the cause, shutting the other person out isn’t the solution and neither is hassling or trying to seduce the reluctant the partner. You don’t want to nag your loved one into wanting sex. You need to discover what they’re feeling and how they see things in the future. Listen to their fears without interruption, even if it doesn’t make for easy listening. Couples need to be honest about the importance of sex and if they want it, they need to be prepared to invest some time and effort, to look forward to it and plan it.
For couples who have been going around the houses on this for a while, a third party might be able to help. The same is true for those who want to reconnect, but the sex draught has been going on so long, they just don’t know where to start. Re-establishing a long-lost sex life involves a great deal of compromise. But good quality sex is worth fighting for. Giving up, accepting in-house celibacy, or finding sexual pleasure elsewhere does not need to happen. There is professional help out there. Get it.
If any of what you’ve just read sounds familiar, please get in touch at anna@kingsleycounselling.com and book a free 10 minute call.
