When a marriage or relationship ends, many parents hope to move smoothly into a co-parenting arrangement, working together to support their children after divorce. For some families, this is possible. For others, especially where there is ongoing conflict or hurt, it can feel impossible.
Trying to co-parent in a traditional way when emotions are high can lead to constant arguments, stress and confusion. Even small conversations about homework, bedtime or pocket money can spiral into old resentments. The fallout can leave parents drained and children caught in the middle.
This is where parallel parenting can make all the difference.
What is parallel parenting?
Parallel parenting is a structured way of raising children after separation or divorce. Instead of close, collaborative co-parenting, each parent takes responsibility for the children during their own time. Day-to-day decisions are made separately, while a clear parenting plan sets out the bigger picture.
The aim is simple: to reduce conflict between parents while ensuring that children continue to have strong, stable relationships with both. In the UK, parallel parenting is increasingly recognised as a practical alternative for families experiencing high levels of conflict after divorce.
The word “parallel” is key. Just as two lines can run alongside each other without crossing, parallel parenting allows parents to run their households independently, while still moving in the same direction – raising their children.
Parallel parenting vs co-parenting
It helps to understand the difference.
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Co-parenting: Parents work closely together, make joint decisions, and often communicate frequently. This works well when parents are able to maintain respect and co-operation.
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Parallel parenting: Parents minimise direct contact, communicate only when necessary, and make independent decisions during their time with the children. This is recommended when conflict is ongoing and communication repeatedly breaks down.
Both approaches aim to put the children first. The difference is that parallel parenting provides safety and structure when collaboration isn’t realistic. For some families, it becomes a stepping stone towards more co-operation. For others, it is the healthiest long-term arrangement.
Who benefits from parallel parenting?
Parallel parenting is particularly useful when:
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Parents are in a high-conflict separation or divorce
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Every attempt at communication ends in an argument
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Parents have very different values, routines or lifestyles
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Children are being exposed to frequent hostility
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Flexible agreements have led to chaos and stress
For example, imagine a divorced couple who argue every time they try to discuss school reports or new clothes. Instead of endless battles, a parallel parenting plan means that each parent takes responsibility during their own time. Mum may choose the children’s shoes, Dad may choose their sports clubs. Both parents are still fully involved, but the flashpoints for conflict are reduced.
Why choose parallel parenting?
The benefits include:
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Less conflict: Reduced contact means fewer arguments.
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Clear boundaries: A detailed parenting plan removes uncertainty.
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Child protection: Children are shielded from parental disputes.
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Emotional breathing space: Parents gain distance to heal.
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Stability: Children know where they will be and what to expect.
For parents, the relief can be enormous. They no longer dread every phone call or handover. For children, the home atmosphere often becomes calmer, even if the parents are not on speaking terms.
How parallel parenting works in practice
A parallel parenting plan usually includes:
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Residential schedule: Clear times for when the children are with each parent, including holidays and birthdays.
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Decision-making rules: Each parent makes day-to-day decisions during their time. Larger issues (healthcare, schooling) may require mediation.
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Communication methods: Email, text, or parenting apps rather than face-to-face conversations.
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Handover arrangements: Neutral locations such as school drop-offs to reduce tension.
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Dispute resolution: Agreements on how to handle disagreements, often using mediation.
The more detailed the plan, the less scope there is for arguments. For instance, specifying exactly when handovers happen (“Monday 8.30am at school”) avoids weekly negotiations.
What children experience in parallel parenting
For children, the most important benefit is stability. They know where they will be, when, and with whom. Instead of being caught in parental battles, they can focus on being children.
Some children may notice that their parents do not talk much. But witnessing silence is far less damaging than watching arguments. In fact, many children feel relieved when the shouting stops.
Over time, children adapt to two different households. They learn that Mum does things her way and Dad does things his way. While parents may worry about inconsistency, children are often more resilient than expected. What matters most is that both homes are safe, loving and supportive.
Common concerns about parallel parenting
“What if our parenting styles are completely different?”
Children can adapt to different household rules. Consistency is ideal, but peace is more important than uniformity.
“Does this mean I never speak to my ex again?”
No. It means you communicate only when necessary, and in a structured, business-like way.
“Isn’t this giving up on co-parenting?”
No. It is a form of co-parenting designed for high-conflict families. It is about protecting children, not avoiding responsibility.
Tips for making parallel parenting work
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Communicate like colleagues – keep it factual and brief.
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Use apps or shared calendars – reduce the need for direct contact.
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Stick to the plan – minimise renegotiations.
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Look after yourself – therapy or support groups can help manage stress.
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Stay child-focused – ask: “Is this decision in my child’s best interest?”
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Accept setbacks – remember: setbacks are part of the process.
The emotional side of parallel parenting
It is normal to feel disappointment or grief when parallel parenting is the best option. You may have hoped for a friendly co-parenting relationship, and it can be painful to accept that this is not possible right now.
But remember: choosing parallel parenting is not failure. It is a deliberate, loving choice to protect your children from ongoing conflict. Many parents feel relief once battles ease and routines stabilise.
Parents often tell me that once they stop expecting their ex to change, they begin to feel calmer and more in control. The focus shifts away from arguments with the other parent and back onto enjoying time with their children.
FAQs about parallel parenting in the UK
What is parallel parenting in the UK?
Parallel parenting is a way for separated parents to share responsibilities while minimising direct contact. Each parent makes decisions when the children are with them, and a parenting plan sets out the overall structure.
Is parallel parenting legally recognised?
Yes. UK family courts may recommend parallel parenting in high-conflict cases, particularly when repeated disputes harm children. Parenting plans can be agreed informally, through mediation, or formalised in a court order.
Can parallel parenting change to co-parenting?
Yes. Many families start with parallel parenting and, over time, move towards more collaboration as conflict reduces. For others, parallel parenting remains the long-term solution.
How do I set up a parallel parenting plan?
You can create one privately with your ex-partner, with the help of a mediator, or through family court if necessary. Working with a therapist or mediator ensures the plan is realistic and child-focused.
Final thoughts
Parallel parenting offers a safe, structured way for separated parents to raise their children when co-operation is not possible. By reducing conflict, it allows children to feel secure and supported in both homes.
If you are struggling to co-parent with your ex-partner, consider whether parallel parenting could be right for your family. It may not be the arrangement you hoped for, but it may be the arrangement your children most need.
You may not be able to change your ex, but you can change the way you parent alongside them. Parallel parenting gives you that choice.
