Many couples go through periods of reduced or absent sexual activity. For some, this is temporary, linked to stress, illness, or life transitions. For others, it becomes a long-term silence in the bedroom that leaves both partners confused, hurt, or disconnected.
As a psychosexual and couples’ therapist, I often see couples who fear that a sexless relationship means love has died. The truth is more complex, which is why we often feel hopeless to address this. A lack of sex can reflect underlying dynamics about desire, intimacy, or unspoken conflict. So let’s think about it…
Why couples stop having sex
There are many reasons why sexual activity may diminish or stop:
- Stress and fatigue from work, childcare, or health issues.
- Life changes such as pregnancy, menopause, or bereavement.
- Medical conditions or side effects of medication.
- Unresolved conflict making closeness feel unsafe.
- Fear of rejection or failure, leading to avoidance.
Sexual silence rarely just happens. It usually signals something has shifted in the emotional or relational space.
The emotional impact of a sexless relationship
The absence of sex can create ripple effects across a couple’s emotional life:
- One partner may feel undesired, unattractive, or invisible.
- The other may feel pressured, guilty, or defensive.
- Intimacy can shift into companionship only, leaving both lonely in different ways.
- Couples often avoid even non-sexual touch, for fear it might lead to unwanted pressure or rejection.
Silence about sex often becomes heavier than the absence of sex itself. When sex is not spoken about, it can feel like a forbidden subject, further increasing the sense of distance.
The therapeutic view
From a psychodynamic lens, the absence of sex may be a defence against vulnerability. Avoiding physical intimacy can protect against:
- The risk of rejection.
- The pain of unmet needs.
- The fear of dependency.
Sometimes, sexlessness reflects unresolved anger: withholding intimacy becomes a way of expressing frustration without words. At other times, it links to past experiences of shame, trauma, or criticism that make sexual closeness feel threatening.
A sexless relationship may also highlight deeper relational dynamics: is sex being used (or withheld) to negotiate power, express unspoken needs, or avoid intimacy altogether? These questions are often at the heart of therapy.
When a sexless relationship is not a problem
It is important to recognise that not all couples view a lack of sex as a crisis. Some partners agree, explicitly or implicitly, that their bond is rooted in companionship, emotional closeness, or shared purpose rather than physical intimacy.
For some older couples, or those living with long-term illness, sex may not be central. The key difference lies in whether both partners feel content with the arrangement. If both are satisfied, then the absence of sex may not be problematic.
The difficulty arises when there is mismatch: one partner longs for intimacy while the other does not.
Can couples recover a sexual connection?
Yes, but it requires openness, patience, and curiosity. Helpful steps include:
- Talking honestly about fears and longings, without blame.
- Rebuilding non-sexual touch as a way of restoring closeness.
- Exploring what sex means for each partner beyond performance.
- Seeking therapy to uncover the unconscious dynamics shaping desire.
It is also useful to explore whether there are physical or medical contributors to low desire, alongside the psychological and relational layers. A GP, psychosexual therapist, or couples therapist can all play a role.
Final thoughts
A silent bedroom does not have to mean the end of intimacy. By exploring both the practical and psychological reasons behind sexual withdrawal, couples can find new ways of connecting that feel authentic and fulfilling.
The key is not to read too much or too little into the absence of sex, but to be curious about what it might mean for your relationship.
Are you worried about the lack of sex in your relationship?
Therapy can help you and your partner make sense of why intimacy has faded and support you in rebuilding both sexual and emotional connection.
📞 Get in touch today to arrange a consultation: Contact me here
