Couples in Crisis is a mini-series I want to share, exploring the real-life dilemmas that bring people into couples therapy with me. Drawing on my clinical experience but disguising my clients such that I protect the confidentiality and ethics of our work, each post delves into a common relational challenge, from infidelity to fertility struggles, communication breakdowns to questions around monogamy, and offers a thoughtful, therapeutic lens on what’s really going on beneath the surface. These are not one-size-fits-all answers, but compassionate reflections to help couples feel less alone and more equipped to navigate complexity with care. Whether you’re in crisis, at a crossroads, or simply curious, you’re warmly invited into the conversation.
Welcome to week one..
Thinking about opening up?
When one partner’s curious and the other’s cautious
A while ago, I was seeing a couple in therapy, let’s call them Jess and Tom, who were contemplating opening up their marriage. Jess had brought it to the table: “I’ve been reading about ethical non-monogamy and I’m curious. I love you, I’m not looking to replace you, but I wonder if we could explore something more… expansive?”
Tom, on the other hand, looked as if someone had asked him to jump out of a plane without a parachute. “Why would we do that?” he asked, “Aren’t we enough?”
These kinds of conversations are increasingly common in the therapy room. Polyamory and open relationships are becoming less taboo, but that doesn’t mean they’re easy to navigate, especially when one partner is more open to the idea than the other.
From a psychoanalytic point of view, these discussions are never just about sex or logistics. They tap into our deepest fears and longings: fears of abandonment or engulfment, longings for connection, novelty, freedom, or recognition. Often, what’s playing out isn’t only about the present-day relationship but there are also echoes from earlier relational experiences, how we learned to trust, attach, assert ourselves, or manage desire. For Jess, the idea of opening up sparked excitement, but also stirred fantasies of freedom and self-expansion, perhaps tied to a younger self who felt confined or unseen. For Tom, it touched a raw nerve around not being chosen, of being left out or left behind. In these moments, our internal “object world” – the collection of emotional templates shaped by early relationships – can come alive, often unconsciously influencing how we react. Polyamory, then, isn’t simply a lifestyle choice but can be a site where old dynamics are replayed, resisted, or reworked. The therapeutic task becomes helping each partner slow down, reflect, and become more conscious of what’s being stirred, so choices are made with awareness, not just impulse or fear.
For Jess, the desire to open the marriage wasn’t about dissatisfaction, at least not consciously. “I love the life we’ve built,” she said. “But part of me wonders if we’ve become too safe and predictable.” There was a quiet yearning for aliveness, a curiosity about parts of herself she hadn’t yet explored.
Tom, meanwhile, admitted he was terrified. Not just of losing Jess, but of not being “enough.” As we spoke, it became clear that his reaction wasn’t just about Jess’s proposal, it touched on long-standing insecurities, old wounds around being replaced or forgotten.
In therapy, we began to slow the conversation down. Instead of jumping into “should we or shouldn’t we?”, we explored what it meant to each of them. What fantasies, fears, and assumptions were being stirred? What did “opening up” symbolise?
It was also important to think about the internal world of the relationship. Could it hold the complexity of polyamory, or was it already under strain? Sometimes, couples imagine that opening the relationship will solve a problem, when in fact, it can magnify whatever is already unresolved.
Thinking about it too? A few things to consider
- Don’t rush. These are big conversations. Take time to explore the meaning behind the desire, both yours and your partner’s.
- Be honest, especially with yourself. Is this about sexual exploration, emotional connection, a fear of commitment, a wish for independence?
- Explore your emotional boundaries, not just physical ones. Are you able to tolerate jealousy, uncertainty, or the idea of your partner loving someone else?
- Get curious, not defensive. Differences don’t have to be deal-breakers. They can be invitations to understand each other more deeply.
- Consider speaking with a therapist. Especially one experienced in working with relational diversity. Therapy isn’t about choosing a side. It’s about creating space for both of you to be heard.
In the end, Jess and Tom didn’t rush to open up, but they did open up to each other in new ways. And that, perhaps, is the most important opening of all.
