When your partner says they want a divorce, it can feel like the ground has disappeared beneath your feet. Even if things have been strained for a while (the emotional distance, the lack of intimacy) nothing quite prepares you for the moment they say: “We need to talk… I think we should get a divorce.”
Shock. Confusion. Sadness. Fear. Your mind races. You replay every argument, every red flag you may have missed. A breakup or separation can trigger an overwhelming emotional response, especially when it’s not your choice.
But even in the middle of this emotional storm, there are things you can do. There are positive, practical steps you can take to protect your mental health and potentially even your relationship. Whether you’re hoping for reconciliation or simply trying to survive the early days of a separation, these tips will guide you through.
1. Set the right tone from the start
When divorce is on the table, your first instinct might be to panic or fight back. Try not to. Instead, aim to remain calm, respectful, and emotionally balanced. Show your willingness to listen, and if saving the marriage is something you want, express that gently, without pressure.
Being flexible, patient and open-minded can help reduce conflict and keep communication open. It may not fix things overnight, but it creates a more constructive environment for whatever happens next.
2. Avoid arguments
This might seem obvious, but it’s vital: avoid falling into arguments. Tensions are high, and it’s easy to be triggered into saying something you’ll regret. If your partner tries to provoke a row, resist. Walk away if you need to. Nothing positive comes from escalating conflict at this stage.
3. Project confidence – even if you’re struggling inside
You may feel terrified about the future, but the way you carry yourself matters. Even if you’re hurting, try to project strength. Stand tall, take care of your appearance, and act as if you’re coping, because in time, you will be.
Confidence, even if it starts as an act, helps protect your self-esteem and keeps you grounded. It can also help shift dynamics between you and your partner, especially if they’re unsure about their decision.
4. Express your emotions privately
You need to let those big emotions out, just not in front of your partner. Cry in the car, shout in the shower, scream into a pillow, whatever works. Find a private, safe space to process your grief and frustration.
Offloading these emotions onto your spouse may only widen the emotional gap. Instead, talk to a trusted friend, a therapist, or write things down in a journal.
5. Educate yourself
Knowledge is power, especially during emotionally turbulent times. Read books on relationships, listen to divorce recovery podcasts, explore helpful blogs (like this one). Gaining insight into what you’re experiencing can offer a sense of clarity and control.
That said, resist the urge to quote everything you’ve learned back to your partner. Let your learning serve you first and foremost.
6. Respect their space
Don’t track their movements, interrogate their schedule, or cling to constant communication. Give your partner space. And take some for yourself too.
This breathing room helps both of you gain perspective, and in some cases, space can actually soften hard lines and reduce conflict.
7. Stay busy and keep living
One of the most helpful things you can do during a breakup or separation is to stick to your daily routine. Go to work, meet your friends, exercise. Keep moving forward, even if it feels like you’re just going through the motions.
Don’t cancel existing plans unless you truly need to. In fact, make new ones. The goal is to stay active and connected with the world outside of your relationship.
8. Prioritise self- care
Now more than ever, you need to prioritise your physical and mental wellbeing. That means eating nourishing food, sleeping well, limiting alcohol, and getting some exercise, even a short daily walk makes a difference.
Also, make an effort with your appearance. Wash your hair. Wear clothes you feel good in. These small acts help boost your confidence and send a powerful message to yourself: I still matter.
Need support through divorce or separation?
Facing the reality of divorce can be one of life’s most painful experiences. But you don’t have to go through it alone. If you’re navigating relationship breakdown, separation, or emotional distress, professional support can make all the difference.
Contact me at anna@kingsleycounselling.com to book a confidential session and get the support you deserve.
