Most of us have to cope with being dumped at some stage in our lives. We all know it’s the worst feeling in the world.
Someone you love has rejected you.
You’re shocked, upset, left questioning your own judgement. It’s a horrible, horrible time. That heartbreak can feel so painful, that you can doubt you’ll ever get over it.
You might hear friends and family try to assure you that you’ll find love again and logically, you might be able to understand that they’re right. But our emotions are not always rational and so we can easily fall into that trap of believing we’ll never be happy again. Telling ourselves that our romantic life is over is only going to make us feel more miserable than we were before.
The despair and hurt we’re feeling skews our thinking. Why? Because we’re grieving – not just for the end of the relationship but for all the hopes we had for that future together. Grief does funny things to our brains. Try not to ruminate on the past or conjure up reasons why it’s your fault that the relationship ended. Beating yourself up isn’t helpful right now.
What can you do instead? First off, you have to accept that the relationship is over. This is very hard, but it’s vital. Face up to your grief, acknowledge what you’ve lost, cry, get angry. But always remind yourself, you will get over this – even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. Grief is a painful process you have to go through.
If you’ve got a good friend or family member, lean on them. Tell them how you’re feeling. Talk about your split until even you get bored of hearing about it. The more you talk it through, the less terrifying it will feel.
When you’ve been dumped, it’s not just your heart that gets broken – it’s your self-esteem too. Don’t let yourself take the blame for the relationship failure. Don’t torture yourself, wondering if you might have stayed together if you’d only been more attractive or better in bed. You need to learn to appreciate yourself again. Write a list of 50 things you like about yourself. And if you really get stuck, ask friends and family for suggestions. They’ll remind you of all the positives about yourself.
Finally, now is the time you need to look after yourself. You might feel brokenhearted. Well, imagine that you’re recovering from a heart operation. Take long, hot baths, give yourself little treats, take some exercise (nothing too punishing) play music that helps you get your feelings out and let other people care for you. Your ex may not have appreciated you, but others do and in time, so will you.
If you’re finding it hard, please get in touch and book a free 10 minute call. There are ways you can ease the pain. You can reach me at anna@kingsleycounselling.com.
