The weight we carry and why it’s so hard to share…
I don’t like to dwell on the fact that my kids are growing up and need me less and less. And then there are moments like yesterday – listening to a friend fret about their son’s world book day costume – when I’m relieved those days are behind me. That’s one less thing for me to have to remember. Because trust me, I’ve got enough racing through my mind at 3am. It’s not the menopause that’s keeping me up, but the never-ending checklist. Is my daughter’s football kit still in the washing basket? Did I respond to that client’s email? When do the yoghurts in the fridge go off?
This is the mental load of a mentally exhausted working mum. It’s the invisible, often unacknowledged burden of planning, organising, and anticipating the needs of everyone around us. And as a therapist and a mother of two, I see it play out not just in my own life but in the lives of my clients, particularly women, who are drowning in it.
Many therapists and psychoanalysts have explored this phenomenon, connecting it to deep-seated psychological patterns. The concept of the mental load is not just about practical responsibilities; it’s also about emotional labour and the way our unconscious beliefs shape our actions. Psychodynamic theory suggests that our relationship to responsibility, caregiving, and control often has roots in early attachment experiences. The mental load can function as a defence mechanism—an unconscious way of maintaining security and avoiding the anxiety of uncertainty.
For too many of us, the burden of caregiving can get entangled with our sense of self. The mental load becomes tied to maternal subjectivity, the idea that motherhood, and by extension caretaking, becomes so central to one’s identity that stepping back can feel like a threat to the self. Thinkers like Donald Winnicott have long emphasized the role of the ‘good enough mother’, a concept that challenges the idea that we must be perfect caregivers. Yet so many of us struggle with internalised perfectionism when it comes to the mental load, believing that if we don’t do everything, we are failing in some fundamental way.
This plays out in the way women often infantilise their husbands and partners by leaving lists of instructions on household chores instead of trusting them to run the home when they are away. Even if fathers are shouldering their fair share of chores, it seems that many women still carry the mental load, believing that if they didn’t, the household would fall apart. This contributes to the myth of male domestic ineptitude and adds to the pressure on women to be the primary caretakers of the home. What kind of blueprint are some of us providing for our daughters by reinforcing this imbalance?
Extreme multitasking has become a point of feminine pride, and business is now worn as a badge of professional and maternal honour. Many working mothers hold down demanding jobs while still micro-managing domestic life, from remembering the uniform to organising playdates, birthday presents, and yes, World Book Day costumes. It should be a shared thing. The expectation for women to be perfect on all fronts is not only exhausting—it’s also putting young girls under enormous pressure.
So how do we lighten the mental load without spiralling into frustration or self-criticism?
First, we must name it. The mental load thrives in invisibility. Bringing it into the open, whether in our relationships or even just in our own awareness, is a radical first step.
Second, we need to examine where our sense of responsibility comes from. Is it driven by a genuine need, or is it tied to old attachment wounds? Are we holding onto tasks because we don’t trust others, or because deep down, we don’t trust we’ll be loved if we stop?
And finally, we should practice delegation—not just in a logistical sense, but in an emotional one. Handing over responsibility means tolerating discomfort, accepting imperfection, and sometimes even grieving the loss of control. It means allowing ourselves to be supported, even if that feels foreign or scary.
The mental load isn’t just a to-do list. It’s a reflection of our histories, our fears, and our relationships. And if we want to unburden ourselves, we must be willing to untangle the deeper emotional weight that comes with it.
And maybe, just maybe, that starts with leaving the washing unfolded and taking a deep breath instead.
