Arguments are a normal part of any relationship. In fact, couples who never disagree may simply be avoiding important conversations. But there is a crucial difference between healthy conflict and unhealthy conflict, and destructive contempt.
When couples proudly tell me they never argue, I worry. People should be able to argue, they need to. But only if they’re done right. And sadly, I see many partners who are upset and worn down not by the presence of arguments themselves, but by how they unfold, and the residue left behind. The way couples fight often reveals deeper feelings of vulnerability, longing or fear. Understanding whether you and your partner are in the territory of conflict or contempt can be the difference between repair and rupture.
What is healthy conflict in relationships?
Conflict can be constructive when it helps partners express needs, set boundaries and negotiate differences. Signs of healthy conflict in relationships include:
- Direct communication: saying what you feel rather than leaving your partner guessing
- Focus on the issue, not the person: disagreeing about plans or decisions without attacking character
- Repair and resolution: being able to apologise, laugh or reconnect afterwards
Conflict, in this sense, can bring couples closer. It shows that both partners care enough to express themselves honestly. It can even strengthen intimacy, because the ability to disagree and then make up reassures couples that their bond is resilient.
When conflict turns into contempt
So, what is the difference between conflict and contempt in relationships? Contempt is corrosive. Psychologist John Gottman, in his decades of research with couples, has called contempt the single strongest predictor of divorce. Among his well-known four horsemen of the apocalypse: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt, it is contempt that does the most damage.
Contempt communicates that one partner sees themselves as superior, and the other as beneath them. It is not just disagreement; it is dismissal. The hidden message is: “You are not worthy of respect.”
Signs of contempt in marriage or relationships include:
- sarcasm or mockery
- eye-rolling or dismissive body language
- name-calling or insults
- speaking from a position of superiority
Unlike conflict, contempt does not leave room for repair. Over time, it poisons the relationship’s emotional climate, eroding trust and safety.
Why contempt is so damaging
When contempt enters a relationship, partners often feel unseen, unworthy or unlovable. Instead of tackling issues together, one person feels “above” the other. This dynamic can activate old wounds from childhood or past relationships, where someone may have felt criticised, belittled or not good enough.
From Gottman’s perspective, contempt slowly undermines the culture of appreciation that couples need to thrive. Where warmth, humour and gratitude once existed, negativity and hostility take their place. This makes it increasingly difficult for couples to turn toward each other for comfort or support.
How therapists see it
Psychodynamic couples therapy and conflict go hand in hand, because this approach looks beneath the surface of arguments to what they really mean emotionally. Many disagreements repeat earlier patterns of relating, echoes of how each person experienced love, care or rejection in childhood.
For example, a partner who feels abandoned when their spouse works late may be re-experiencing old feelings of being left behind as a child. Another who reacts with anger to criticism may unconsciously be fighting against early experiences of being shamed.
In this view, conflict is not just about the surface issue (the dishes, the diary, the bills) but about what the argument represents emotionally. By recognising these deeper dynamics, couples can begin to understand why certain triggers feel so charged, and why seemingly small disagreements can escalate so quickly.
How to move from contempt to connection
If you notice contempt creeping into your relationship, it doesn’t mean things are doomed. Seeing a couples therapist and working on your communication problems can help partners uncover what contempt is defending against and find new ways of relating.
Practical steps include:
- slowing down arguments so that feelings can be expressed without escalation.
- naming the hurt beneath the criticism, such as saying ‘I feel unimportant’ instead of ‘You never care’.
- rebuilding respect by acknowledging each other’s efforts and strengths.
- practising appreciation. This is a key antidote to contempt that Gottman highlights. Try regularly noticing and verbalising what you value about your partner
These shifts may sound simple, but they can be profoundly healing. Over time, they create a new relational pattern where conflict becomes manageable rather than overwhelming.
Final thoughts
It might not feel like it, but conflict can be a doorway to intimacy when handled with care. Contempt, however, is a warning sign that the relationship needs attention. By recognising the difference, and by understanding both the psychological roots and the practical strategies for change, couples can choose to repair rather than retreat.
If you and your partner are struggling with conflict or contempt in your relationship, couples therapy offers a safe space to explore what lies beneath the arguments and to rebuild a foundation of respect, connection and trust.
If your relationship is being eroded by conflict, please get in touch. A few therapy sessions could help you.
